So often, we do not think about what we want or need in a relationship. Some of us are so hungry for a relationship that we settle for the first person to come along because we are afraid we will never find anyone else to love us. It is that fear that persuades us to stay in relationships that are not what we need and are often times abusive and neglectful. In those relationships, we do not have an authentic relationship with the person we are with, nor do we have an authentic relationship with ourselves. I would like to believe that most people do not want a relationship that is abusive, neglectful, and disrespectful. At the same time, when we do not love ourselves, then we might believe this is what we deserve and is the best we will ever have.
However, that is not the same as what we want out of a relationship. When I entered my relationship with Zoe what I wanted was someone who would love me unconditionally for who I was as a human being. I wanted someone who was going to love me regardless of my weight, physical abilities, hair, or a diversity of other features. I wanted someone who was going to love me for my soul and personality, not the external. I wanted someone who was not a makeover queen. By that I mean someone who would say to me, you know you would be perfect for me if only you would do x or y or z. if you have to control me or attempt to make me over then you do not love me. You love what you want me to be, but you do not love me. So it was important for me to have someone who loved me for who I was. I wanted someone who supported me in being me and at the same time was passionate and committed to being them. I wanted someone who was going to evolve and transform with me across the years.
Coming to this space of understanding what I wanted and needed in a relationship took time. I had to think about what I needed in terms of spiritual needs, social needs, sexual needs, physical needs, security needs. Etc. As I began dating again, I looked for the capacity of the person to be what I wanted while being themselves. None of this would have been possible if I were not clear on what I wanted in a relationship.
It is because I had done the work that I feel as if my eyes are open in this relationship. I know who Zoe is and she knows who I am. I do not expect her to be me and she does not expect me to be her. We are constantly evolving and transforming as human beings, however, we are also sharing our individual journeys with each other. It is that commitment and communication which continues to enable us to grow and evolve as individuals and as a couple.
It is also what allows us to be authentically us within our relationship. We are wonderfully unique and different. Sometimes we laugh because we have diverse interests. I am uber reflective and disciplined spiritually. She says I am the just do it gurl and she is the just do it later gurl. She loves all things “stupid” (aka funny). I love things reflective, inspirational, spiritual, and thought provoking. Her hobbies are mostly computer based (pinteresting, computer games, and crime shows). Mine are crocheting, cooking, reading, writing, drumming, and just being present with the world. What make our relationship so wonderful is that we have never tried to make each other over, nor have we ever expected the other to be as passionate about what we love as we are. I have virtually no interest in pinteresting, computer games, or crime shows. However, what does give me great joy is watching her enjoy her stuff. The other night she walked me through her pinterest folders and what I enjoyed most was watching her joy at sharing this with me. While I found some of what she showed me interesting, I am not going to become a pinterest geek. Conversely, periodically she will read a book with me or come to one of my spiritual evolution groups. However, she does not have that sense of thrill I do when I find a new source of wisdom for my journey. In other words, she gets to be authentically her and I get to be authentically me and on this, we have always agreed.
The basic things in our relationship have helped us to grow and evolve. We have agreed to always speak truth to each other in love. We have always agreed to support each other in being the best individuals we can be. We have always agreed not to control or remake each other. It is these basic agreements, which have and continue to allow us to be authentically us as individuals and as a couple.