Is this my Prison or Ashram?

Have you ever thought about what the single worst thing which could happen in your life could be? if you had asked me a year ago, I would have told you I was fighting for my independence. It was a year ago this month that RGRTA moved me from regular service to supplemental service, which means I virtually have no service. In real terms, it meant I could no longer leave my house by myself to go anywhere other then for a roll around the block. Every once in a while I have been fortunate enough to get a ride, but those are more of a rarity and not something I can ever count on.

Early on in the process of adjusting to this radical change in my life there were days I felt as if I were in a prison, serving a sentence for a crime I did not commit. If it were not for the grace of some amazing friends who will always have a special place in my heart I would not have been able to be with Zoe for her surgeries, or go look at furniture with her while she was recovering from her surgeries, or even get to the doctors for my own appointments. There are still moments when I wake up wondering if this is the day that RGRTA will redraw their service map again and draw me back into it.  It is amazing the little things we take for granted like our ability to move from point A to point B.

In those moments, when I find myself thinking about being in a prison, I stop and ask myself have I done everything I can to change the situation. The answer is yes. Then I begin to give thanks for all the blessings which have come my way since this happened a year ago.

One of them is that it helped me to find my voice. Me, who likes to stay in the background of things, was in a news report on what happened to me and all the other people in my town of Ogden who were written out of the service area. I got politically involved in fighting for the rights of people with disabilities writing letters to Senators, Assemblymen, Town Supervisors, Governors, and anyone else who I thought could help me fight for my basic human rights. I met some amazing people along the way who even though I have not physically met them, have touched my life.

The other thing is that I got to go somewhere I have always prayed about going, but never got to. I have long wanted to spend some time in an ashram in India praying and working on my spiritual journey.  I never physically made it to India, but what I came to realize recently is that we have created that kind of space in our home. Zoe and I have become very protective of the energy in our home. We have a no negative energy rule. When she was diagnosed with breast cancer, we asked that those who could not be supportive and positive, express their love for us by staying away. They did. those who have supported us this last year brought us nothing but love, peace, and positive energy. With us, they have filled our home with an abundance of this energy which touches us on a daily basis, but also those who enter into our home.

For the last year, I have had my times where my spirit has traveled spaces my body can no longer go. It has brought me back wisdom, understanding, patience, compassion and love. it has brought me gifts of wisdom in the shape of books, instruments, people, and artistry.

One of the powerful lessons I learned this year happened during a demonstration we hosted here on Intuitive Tarot. I asked if I would ever have my independence again. For me, that meant the ability to leave my home and travel again. The person who I selected from our group to do my reading, someone I had never met before, looked at me and said you are independent, it just looks different. Sometimes, we cannot see the gifts we are being led to create until someone else helps us to see them. With the love of others, I was maintaining my job by teaching all my classes online. I created this ministry which has both an online and onsite aspect. I had developed a freelance writing and editing business which enabled me to work virtually with clients around the world. I had figured out a way to get to the doctor’s office, to the grocery store, to the essential places in life. I had found this amazing strength in me to remain independent in what some might consider the worst of circumstances.

Am I saying I would like to go through this again or face another significant challenge like this – NO!  This has been a challenging time in my life. However, in the midst of it all, nothing has stolen my joy and my peace. There have been days and moments when I found myself needing to grieve the loss of this privilege, and still do.  However, even in those moments I am mindful of the peace in my life, my home, and my heart. I am mindful that in the midst of it all I have enabled myself to be independent. I am mindful that each moment I have a choice as to whether to see where I am at as a prison or my own personal ashram. I choose to see this as my ashram.