Once again, the answer to my prayers is found in my Toltec
Wisdom cards. I have been struggling for a few months about why I have felt the
need to pull away from a few people in my life. I can’t say it was anything
they did or even anything they said. I cannot even say it had anything to do
with what others had said about them. The feelings began shortly after having
There were a few things which happened which made me go hmm. I kept trying to asking myself if I was projecting something on to the situation. I kept asking myself if I was allowing the experiences of others to shape my reality. Even when I allowed the external to wash over and off me, I found myself with this feeling as if Spirit was telling me to back away from this relationship. I felt as if I were to pray for them and envision myself sending them healing energies. At the same time, I know I am not supposed to have anything else to do with them.
As I have grappled with this situation, I came back to the wisdom that runs across faith traditions that we are to love each other, as we are all members of humanity. However, nowhere in any writing, does it tell me I have to like everyone. The last few months I have grappled with where this feeling comes from and why I feel the way I do about someone who has not done anything which allows me to articulate why I do not like them.
This evening I was reading my deck of The Fifth Agreement cards and the card, which spoke to me, had an eagle soaring upwards. The front said, “The truth is silent.” The reverse said, “The truth doesn’t come with words. It’s something that I just know; it’s something that I can feel without words, and it’s called silent knowledge. “
Why was I looking for tangible and hard evidence and not just trusting my intuition? Why did I not just trust that silent knowledge that comes from the Infinite that I did not need to develop this relationship? Rather, I can send them love, light, and positive energy. At the same time, I can listen to the silent knowledge within and choose not to move beyond sending them love.
Sometimes I feel as if I am from Missouri, the Show Me State. The reality is that I am not. However, sometimes I want that tangible evidence of why I am feeling what I am feeling. Then I remember the story Jack Canfield tells of driving from New York to California in utter darkness only seeing the 200 feet in front of you illuminated by the headlights. Where is my faith?
Do I only trust God in certain situations? If I do not have faith in the Infinite in all situations, then is my faith in the Infinite unconditional? As I thought about this, I began to realize that I have trusted my intuition in all circumstances. Then what was it about this situation that made me doubt my GPS (God Protection System)? What I realized was that I did not doubt the Infinite, rather I doubted myself.
As don Miguel Ruiz wrote on the other card I was drawn to tonight, “Doubt is a powerful tool. Doubt challenges my beliefs and breaks the spell of all the lies and superstitions that control me world. I use doubt to recover faith in myself, to take my power back from every superstition. I believe in and return that power to myself.”
So going through this process of doubting has been healthy and liberating. It has allowed me to move through all the layers of other people’s truths and experiences and reconnect with my silent truth, which lives within. Funny, how, I have never thought about doubt as liberating before.