There are so many things in my life I cannot explain. Some of them are little things such as, where have all the missing socks gone and where is Zoe’s good pair of jeans hiding? Then there is the bigger question like why am I still alive.
Honestly, I have no idea. I have been through so many situations in my life where I could have died and all I know is that I did not. I have no idea why, it just is. I could try to explain that the doctors saved me, but there are others who have been through what I went through and did not survive.
I could have died when I was born, as could my birth mother, but neither of us died, well I know for sure I did not. There were complications, which my foster parents, made sure were addressed, but I did not die.
When I was in an accident in my early 20’s and thrown from the car, I could have died, but I somehow landed relatively unscathed as I flew out of my car and landed in the back of a parked truck. My car was totaled, but other than a few bruises and lots of soreness I was unharmed and I do not know why.
Almost three years ago now I had dually obstructed ureters and both my kidneys were filled with stones. I could have died, but within 48 hours I was heading home. My creatinine levels went from 10.7 to under 1 in 48 hours. I can talk about how my urologist did emergency surgery on me and saved my life, but I know people who had one kidney blocked and died, so why am I still alive.
Then there are those other moments that I do not understand either. Like how did two women by the same name, with the same profile picture, who live in two different states get the same message from me on Facebook at the same time and both needed to hear the message I left for them.
Or how is that I know when my friends need me to leave an encouraging word on their FB walls or to private message them and let them know they are loved. Why is it that I always manage to call a friend of mine just as she is about to start a date I do not know she is on?
How is it that others do the same for me? How do they know the very moment that I need to hear something? Why do people come to see me, telling me something mysterious and then leave and disappear from my life forever?
I know you could explain things to me, but given that your ways are not my ways and your understandings are not mine, I am not sure that even then I would understand. So for now, it is just that I do not know